A Strange Turn Of Events
by IvoryWhiskers
Summary: The Doctor and Rose make an odd trip to Hogwarts. Rose gets it wrong, The Doctor recalls being slapped by Rose's mother, and nobody has a clue what the hell is going on.


Disclaimer: Don't own either etc. etc. 

Authors Note: ;; Well I'm not usually one for crossovers, but this is just a one shot random and hopefully kinda amusing crossover. If you're a Doctor Who fan, you'll get it, if you're not…then you won't understand but you don't really have to understand and it would take pages and pages to explain (The program has been running for decades, what d'you expect?)

All you need to know is that this is our tenth Doctor and companion Rose and there's no spoilers.

Basically, the Doctor (10th) and Rose make a visit to Hogwarts, and I must confess the ridiculous idea was inspired by and is based on 'Love and Monsters' from Doctor Who's season 2 (Or season 28 depending on which way you look at it) For the dialogue between Rose and the Doctor to have maximum effect you've really got to be able to imagine Billie Piper (as Rose) and David Tennant (as the Doctor) saying it.

Also I must say that I don't own the lines:

" "_Aww no! You've just made it worse!"_

"_You said blue!"_

"I said not blue!" "

Understood?

* * *

Professor Mcgonagall despised teaching first years. Especially muggle ones. Not that she had anything against muggles, they were just hard to introduce to magic. Especially when perhaps a fifth of the muggles in the class assembled before her were afraid of magic. Honestly. They became more fussy and dramatic over nothing every year.

She had finally managed to convince them that the boggart in the cupboard would be removed later that day and wouldn't harm them and nor would anything else in the room so long as they did as they were told.

Famous last words because it was just after explaining this that – with a tremendously strange and loud sound – a blue police box materialized at the front of the class beside Mcgonagall's desk.

The both the teacher and her students could only stare as the sound of yelling, screaming, roaring and banging began emitting from the police call box.

This continued for several seconds before the terrified students slowly started inching backwards whilst the inquisitive ones took a step forwards.

Mcgonagall had just extended a hand towards the side of the box when the door flew open and a blonde girl of about 19 ran out, screaming in a sort of gleefully-terrified way which gave everyone the impression that she was only doing so because she could.

Flapping her hands wildly about she made for the door, followed by a man with a semi-fearful expression on his face. Glancing over his shoulder he pulled an odd face and let out a half scream before running in a girlish-terror like fashion after the blonde, again giving people the impression that he was just doing it because he could and that the pair were really having a whale of a time.

In hot pursuit of the odd two was…well, was what could only be described as a flabby, slimy, monster type thing with a lot of tentacles on it's face.

The two however reached the door before it reached them and they flung themselves through it, slammed it shut again then their was an odd buzzing noise and the lock clicked shut, followed by the sound of hysterical laughter from the pair and gasped words in between the laughing.

_(A/N: Rose starts speaking first, just so you know)_

"Oh my god did you see it when it did that squealing thing –"

"And all it's tentacle things sort of-"

"Stood on end-"

"And waggled about-"

"And then it ran at you-"

"So you hit it on the head with that spanner-"

"Then it sort of froze-"

"And turned round ever so slowly-"

"Then you (_giggle_) you (_hysterical laughing)_ with the banana…(_giggle)_ why, In the name of Raxacoricofallapatorius Doctor why- (_chokes)_"

"I dunno – I just had it in my hand. Automatic reflex, besides it stopped didn't it?

"Stopped? Doctor you shoved a _banana_ into its _mouth_ of _course_ it stopped! I bet no one it's ever tried to eat has ever done that. Ever."

"Well he's clearly never met me then has he?"

"Just as well isn't it. And who carries a banana around with them anyway?"

"What's wrong with that? Never gotten a bit peckish whilst we've been saving the day? Anyway, I told you, banana's are good."

"So you keep telling me. But, moving onto more important things - I managed to say it!"

The statement was followed by the girls squeal and clapping.

"Oh once is nothing! You've gotta go for the full effect! 10 times in a row. Only I can say Raxacoricofallapatorius 10 times in a row."

"You have the knowledge of all of time and space, yet you value the ability to say that 10 times?"

"Yup. Very useful thing to know."

" Hmm, course it is." Pause, "Well, off you go then."

"Rose Tyler, are you beting me?"

"You'll only lose."

"I bet I won't."

"Well I bet you will."

"Right then. Raxacoricofallapatorius Raxacoricofallapatorius Raxacoricofallapatorius Raxacoricofallapatorius Raxacoricofallapatorius Raxacoricofallapatorius Raxacoricofallapatorius Raxacoricofallapatorius Raxacoricofallapatorius Raxacoricofallapatorius." (smug silence) "I bet you can't even say it once again."

"Psh. Raxa…raxa…raxacor- (giggle) stop it!"

"What?"

"Looking like that!"

"_Like what_? You know I'm taking that as an insult. I know you prefered the old me but there is just no call for that." Pause, "Besides in my opinion this look is much sexier."

"(_laughing)_ Oh you're full of yourself!"

"Hey, I'll have you know that even the most irritating ememy I have, AKA Cassandra, thought so."

"I know. She expressed her opinions of your body very clearly when she possessed you and pranced around the cellar back in New New York."

"…_pranced? _She… possessed me… and… _pranced?_"

"Yup. She also did a wonderful display of screaming and whimpering like a little girly."

"Oh dear god…no one saw did they?"

"Wouldn't you like to know."

"Rose I have a reputation to upkeep, the last thing people need to hear about the Doctor is 'Well, what can I tell you about the Doctor? He's wonderful, heroric, brave, manly-"

"Absolutely full off it you are. Unbelievable."

"- and don't forget sexy- Oh, and he seems to rather like prancing about and screaming girlishly in the face of danger."

"(giggling) 'And of course don't forget that he once got _slapped_ by the charming, daring, headstrong, smart and don't forget beautiful - Rose Tyler's _mother_'."

"You swore you'd never bring that up in casual conversation again!"

"You never mentioned bringing it up between opurselves! Besides…oh don't look like that! I said I was sorry…but the look on their faces! (giggle) The famous Doctor - Bitch-slapped."

"You know Rose, there are sometimes when I'm just so glad I met you, but then there are othertimes when I could just rip your head off girl."

The pair continued bickering good-heartedly and everyone in the room continued staring. Why no one was doing anything about the monster hammering on the door Mcgongall didn't know. Why _she_ wasn't doing something she didn't know.

She did know however that the monsters had now finally lost interest in the door and had noticed the classroom full of staring children.

Before anyone could even begin to do something though the bickering stopped, well one of them stopped. The male now appeared to be rambling about edible silver ball bearings. "Hold on…" it was the girl.

"No really hold on." Pause, "People."

"Yes, of course!" another pause, "What people?"

"The room, people, in the room."

"…I'm not following your theory here Rose."

"In the room…there were people in the room. With the OFTT!"

"We-… The what?"

"The Odd Floppy Tentacled Thing!"

"Right." Pause, "People? Seriously?"

"People. Yeah."

"Oh…"

That was followed by the sound of frantic scrambling and that familiar buzzing noise.

(A/N: the Doctor starting first this time xD Sorry if it's a bit confusing)

"Wrong setting!"

"What?"

"On the screwdriver that's the wrong setting!"

"Well which is the right setting?"

"Not that one!"

"That's helpf – what the hell are you doing?"

"Twist the bit below the blue light three times clockwise, and I'm looking… for…this."

"Ergh that's disgusting!"

"Well it's either this or us, your choice."

"Fair point." She yelled as the lock finally clicked open and she flung the door open along with it, revealing the man again.

He was dressed in a brown pinstriped suit with a long brown trench coat, his hair gelled in an odd way so that he had a few sort of fringe-ish strands of hair looping onto his forehead, and…well, his hair could only really be described as big hair.

Another thing was that he was holding up a piece of raw meat.

The monsters head turned and it began sniffing the air.

It was at this point that the Doctor adopted a tone which one would use to talk to a little puppy or adorable dog.

(A/N: Last one I swear. The bits in italics are him speaking in said tone; the bits in normal are him speaking normally.)

"_Who's a good boy then, eh?_ _Who's a good boy, come on, come on. Want a nice choppie, yes? Yeess. Come on, good boy, come on,_ Hello!" he paused briefly to flash a grin at everyone and wave at them.

"_Come on you know you want it! You want the choppie. You want your Dindins, come on. Don't mind us! That's a boy! Dindins! Come along, Dindins_!" he slowly started to back out of the room, luring the creature along with the 'choppie'. "_That's it, follow the yellow brick roa_-…no wait, " he paused again, "That's The Wizard of Oz," he sighed and shook his head, "Sorry, I keep doing that. Honestly. The choppie. Follow the pork choppie, that's what I mean. Yes_, the choppie, come on._ Rose, The TARDIS, engine room, the yellow cabinet marked fifteen, that's _a boy, Dindins! Come on, Dindins!_ Use the sonic screwdriver to open it, who _wants the choppie? You want the choppie! Yes you do! Come on!_ The red bucket with the blue liquid, not the blue bucket with the red liquid, _Get the choppie!_ Hurry Rose!"

Rose shot off back into the blue box and the Doctor as he was apparently called proceeded to talk in a cooing, babyish tone to the creature and waggle the meat in front of it, slowly backing down the corridor.

He hadn't gotten far when the girl came running back out with a blue bucket and screaming in a war-like fashion as she threw the liquid at him.

The creature howled.

"Aww no, you've just made it worse!"

"You said blue!"

"I said not blue!"

"Oh…" dropping the bucket she ran off again.

"You've just wasted a perfectly good bucket of…of…perfectly good and useful stuff I'll have you know!" he yelled after her before lowering his tone and muttering to himself, "The blue bucket…what on earth did I put in the blue bucket… blue bucket… hmm…ah well, can't have been that important, _Choppie boy! Come get the choppie!"_

The thing took the 'choppie'. It took the choppie, swallowed it whole and then turned it's eyes to the Doctor.

"Um…Rose? Could you hurry up a bit?" He stood still for a second, hands in pockets smiling at the creature before turning and running down the corridor just as Rose came hurtling back out of the TARDIS and ran after them doing her war-cry thing again.

At the very end of the corridor she caught up with them and threw the bucket of liquid at the creature.

This time it had a positive effect. Well, if the creature wailing noisily and melting and dissolving away counts as positive.

The Doctor and Rose didn't seem particularly bothered as they both high-fived, joined hands and started back up the corridor, Rose skipping a little.

"You grow more and more like your mother everyday Rose."

"I do not!"

"You do. You don't listen to me anymore. You just do what you like wrongly in an unhelpful mannor."

"I'm no help?" she ploughed on before he could answer, "I'll have you know that when you were meant to take us to New York to see Elvis and you screwed up – again I might add – and we ended up in London, I knew it was the TV's causing all the issues way before you!"

"You also got your face sucked off by the wire before you did or told anyone about it."

"Well you left me!"

"You were being slow! I needed to follow that car!"

"I was deducting!"

The Doctor didn't reply to her as they entered the classroom again. Instead both he and her flashed wide grins at everyone and chorused 'Hiiiiiiiiii!' in unison.

They both stood and blinked – still grinning – before finally – "Byebye then! Nice meeting you. Oh and you might wanna clean up the em…the…"

"OFTT?" Rose suggested.

"OFTT. That'll do. Although I think we just renamed a species, anyway, yes. The OFTT. Yes, his remains. Need mopping up. Bit slippy. Bye now!" he called cheerfully with a wave, pulling the door of the blue police box shut.


End file.
